Death; it crosses your mind every now and then. How will I die? When will I die? Will the family I leave behind fight for legislation to install airbags in truck beds when I die from “roof surfing” after a night of heavy tequila drinking?? Don’t laugh. It could happen.
The following was the topic of a 6 minute radio piece (and lengthy article) on NPR - a news agency, while frighteningly liberal, I rely on for sound (and sometimes, interesting) news reports. In short, it focuses on the near epidemic rates of grain silo deaths and just what the hell we, as concerned grain silo owners and law abiding citizens, are going to do to stop the madness and curb these senseless deaths.
To spare you the details, here’s the gist: Since 1964 (when they first started charting folks wandering into grain silos) there have been almost 1,000 grain entrapment incidents. 660 of those resulted in death. I possess a lowly Liberal Arts degree, but I did some math: that’s 15.5 deaths per year. As of 2011, there are almost 7 billion people roaming this planet, and the fact that 15 (and a half) died in grain silos last year is nothing short of shocking.
I read, with interest, the “comments” at the bottom of the story. It’s a hot topic with inexplicably few comments. An informal survey of those comments show that most people actually support some sort of regulation and enforcement of grain entrapment guidelines.
I’m a “strike while the iron is hot” type of guy. I think it’s darn time we stop hiding these types of hideous statistics. so I’m proposing that we enact some other laws to stop other meaningless deaths:
All humans should wear “grounded” shoes. These shoes would have a 3 foot steel rod connected to the bottom of each sole. The wearer should only walk on soft ground, capable of “grounding” on each foot strike. 55 people die per year by lightning strike, more than three times the amount of those killed in grain silos.
I advocate the first worldwide 2% sales tax on all seafood, with the proceeds going directly to Greenpeace, who will use the funds to muzzle all forms of shark, killer whale, piranha, man-eating goldfish, and aggressive dolphins and/or porpoises. Think it can’t happen to you? How would you feel if you or one of your family members were that 1 in 300 million people that die every year from shark attacks? Seems like a small price to pay to prevent these 40 deaths per year.
All commercial coconut growers should tether each and every coconut that grows beyond 1 1/2” in circumference. All workers and visitors to coconut groves, commercial or “in nature”, are required to wear an OSHA approved safety helmet. All coconut groves will be posted with neon lettered signs warning of the dangers of falling coconuts . The American Coconut Growers Association will receive a $400 million governmental grant to educate the public about the more than 150 people a year that die from being conked on the head by the falling fruit.
All beds (twin sized and larger) are to be sold with a mandatory 3 foot guardrail surrounding all four sides. Last year, in Britain alone, more than 20 people died from falling out of bed. The penalty for removing said guardrail will be on the same scale as removing a mattress tag: in other words; some serious, back room, single light hanging from a bare wire, hedonistic shit you don’t even want to know about.
